I was scared to the core. Perhaps, I was born like that. The most important and urgent thing for me was to remove all forms of insecurities from my life.
It may sound strange but my obsession with my security was rooted in the shared deep-seated core fears of humanity.
These were: fear of poverty, fear of any fatal disease such as cancer, fear of any permanent disability which could render me jobless, and fear of death. Though, luckily, the fear of old age had not crept in yet because of my young age.
Fear of poverty was caused by the uncertainty of my well-being in absence of money. Who would feed me, provide me clothing and shelter if I did not have money?
The underlying cause behind this fear of poverty was a combination of my impulsive nature and a big-ego.
I was a short-tempered guy and deep down, I was aware of my inner faults such as a hyper-inflated ego with huge pride in myself to the extent of becoming arrogant at times. Though I was a highly educated and competent employee and could get a decent job somewhere, yet my anger and arrogance could have forced any employer to fire me.
So what would happen to me then? This question used to torment me deeply and always reminded me of my core fear of pain and suffering.
Fear of diseases such as cancer would have required a lot of money for expensive treatment and long-term care. Who would do that if I did not have enough money?
And I dreaded the prospect of borrowing it from somebody because that could have put me in a vulnerable situation in case of a possible payment default. I’d be helpless if the lender scolded me or ridiculed me. And that would’ve hurt my huge ego and would’ve caused a lot of pain and suffering. The fear of borrowing money was a deep-seated one from early childhood.
Fear of permanent disability was similar to that of the fatal disease and consequent worry about my well-being under those seemingly dreadful circumstances.
These fears caused a constant stream of worry in me. It gradually became a habit. The habit of constantly living in ceaseless worry.
I tried to save as much money as I could. I tried to buy all types of insurance available in the market. Essentially, I was trying to find security for every possible event which could potentially go wrong in my life.
Constant worry due to the uncertainty of life also created restlessness in me. Consequently, I started taking refuge in other bad habits such as alcoholism, smoking, etc. They gave me a much-needed temporary relief and provided me with a pain-killer type of soothing effect for my sickening condition.
I finally identified that the root of all these fears was the fear of pain and suffering which I had been carrying from some past life and which I was being regularly reminded of by many small and big events of current life.
Anger was my usual emotional response which used to automatically get triggered whenever something caused even the slightest amount of fear in me. It had become my subconscious defense mechanism to deal with any fearful situation.
For example, if any situation arose which created a condition for any unplanned expenses, my fear of poverty (amygdala circuit) would trigger and I’d become angry and scared at the very core. Such type of unusual behavior at the slightest opportunity did cause huge damages in all my relationships.
Then one fine day It occurred to me after reading my Guru’s study material that fear was caused by a lack of faith in some higher power that ensured that we are supplied with all the necessities of life.
I did not have faith in God and was not aware that He would take care of me come what may. This left me with a deep mistrust for anyone other than myself and my physical possessions such as money.
Lack of faith caused mistrust and fear. Fear turned into worry. Worry caused restlessness and a strong desire to acquire and save as much money as I could.
I became utterly selfish. I failed to trust myself and others and became a bad team player. In short, I had turned into an angry, serious, and boring fellow.
Now I have faith in God. This is developing healthy self-confidence in me. It is THE antidote to fear, negative thoughts, and worry.
It brings calm and inner peace and works as an antidote to mental restlessness.
It kills doubt and increases confidence.
Healthy confidence is free from cowardice and any taint arrogance.
Anger habit has also got largely cured.
I have recognized myself as a loving child of God and my duty to serve God in maintaining a healthy balance in the beautiful universe without expecting or claiming any right over the fruits of my actions.
I am now an obedient, humble, polite, loving, and compassionate servant of my Father, The Almighty God who will take care of me forever till eternity, without me having to worry about my well-being, even beyond the earthly realm.
I am slowly but gradually becoming a better son of God. I am cultivating all the qualities of God, my permanent Father.
My role model is Lord Krishna. With the blessings of my True Guru Sri Paramahansa Yogananda Ji and Grace of God, I am confident beyond any trace of doubt that I will fully realize God in this life itself which is also my prime duty. This is the sole purpose of my life. Every other thing is just subservient to this Ultimate goal.
All my actions will be directed towards this goal with full vigor, enthusiasm, and commitment.
Thanks to Guru Ji, thanks to God, my Eternal Father. I love you both unconditionally now.